Tag Archives: child behavior

Being Proactive With Issues of Esteem

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soccer_clipart_boyWhen it comes to your child, one of the most important issues you should be concerned with is the way they feel about themselves. To a child, the world is a huge place – a place that, for some, is filled with acceptance and approval; but for others, it is a world of uncertainty which presents judgment and ridicule. While there is nothing you can do to control which world your child lives in, there are a few things you can do to determine how your child responds to the world around them - and how they allow that world to affect and influence them!

There are endless factors that play a role in the atmospheric composition of peers around your child. Keep in mind that children can be cruel – often for absolutely no reason. When a child finds himself or herself on the receiving end of negativity, it can be a hard hit to their self esteem – the way they regard themselves. It can be extremely frustrating for a parent, but there are things you can do to help:

  • Develop a constructive method of correction. When they are being corrected for behavioral problem, avoid questions like, “What is wrong with you?” or comparing them to a sibling or other child. Suggest ways they can avoid disobeying – counting to ten before deciding on an action or reaction so that they are more apt to think about the consequences would be a great start. Above all, always encourage your child by making him/her feel like they are a part of a team – that you are working WITH them to help them be their best because you know they can do it!
  • Do not discipline or chastise when you are upset. We get tired, overwhelmed, and quite frankly worn out with repeating the same thing over and over again. When parental rebuke involves emotion, there is a higher chance of things being said that cannot be taken back. This small moment can damage your child’s esteem for years to come. AVOID speaking to your child when they have greatly upset you. Calm down, then sit down to handle the situation later when you’re able to address it in a more productive manner.
  • If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! … Many children are not capable of returning to previous tasks when they’ve become sidetracked without reminders. Likewise, a child’s thought process often doesn’t lend itself to reverting back to past lessons when making decisions. Do not tear down your child’s confidence by pointing out this flaw. Help them by finding creative ways to encourage them to think before acting. Their inability to control their forgetfulness in this area may result in feelings of inadequacy and make them believe they aren’t as bright as other kids. Be proactive by helping them to develop better habits which will result in fewer necessary corrections. Encourage them to do things you ask right away so they don’t become distracted. Also, instead of simply telling them the rules, remind them of previous consequences – the most effective are natural consequences, not ones you handed down. Discuss how a certain action resulted in your child – or another child – getting hurt.
  • Tell your child how GREAT he/she is! Many children become victims of themselves… They don’t hold themselves at their value because they don’t hear it enough. Don’t forget to continuously express how proud you are of them, mention things they have accomplished, and always be vocal about things you’ve noticed when they weren’t aware you were watching. This not only says that you care enough to be conscious of their activities, but also inadvertently creates the understanding that you see/know more than they think you do :)
  • Help your child find their talents. Many children begin feeling bad about themselves simply out of jealousy. They notice other children who are great at drawing, sports, singing, etc., and they start to wonder why they can’t do those things as well. Help your child find what they are good at and start developing fun ways to get them involved in those things on a larger scale. When a child is a part of something bigger than themselves, it makes them feel more important and healthier confidence levels mean they are less likely to succumb to peer pressure as they get older.
  • Explain to your child why some children are just naturally vicious. Yes, it’s true. There are those children that are going to pick on others. Often, that child lacks self esteem and confidence and will act out of jealousy to try to destroy those things in his/her peers. It is best for your child that you provide the understanding that ignoring it will often make it go away {if someone can’t get a response, they typically grow bored}. Likewise, make sure they know they can always come talk to you without you getting involved. Children hide things from their parents because they don’t want to be the one who “snitched” and become ridiculed for running to mommy. If your child knows you will work with them to find a solution without stepping in to rescue them, they will be more inclined to bring their problems to you for your perspective.

Two things that are the cornerstone when it comes to a child’s self esteem start at home: love and encouragement. If your child is met with acceptance and approval at home, chances are he/she will interpret things differently when they are out in the world. It is true that perception is reality and if a child is not lacking acceptance and approval or love and encouragement, they will be less likely to seek it out. Security at home cures a multitude of childhood issues, including those of self esteem. Once a child’s esteem is low, it is difficult to build it back up. Be proactive! Teach your child how wonderful he/she is from the very start and give them a lifetime of advantages!

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Helping Kids Process Their Anger

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Children often have a difficult time knowing how to appropriately process their emotions. When that emotion happens to be anger, it can be additionally frustrating for parents and other caregivers. If you feel your child has become increasingly angry, reevaluate the way your family has addressed emotional expression. There may be underlying issues that have contributed to their apparent instability. Here are some tips to help you as you work to help your child process their anger in a healthy manner:

1.    The level of understanding and security provided to them could prove to be the single most important factor influencing your child’s behavioral patterns in relation to their emotional state. Parents often fail to realize how overwhelmed their child is by feelings of anger until they actually begin to act out their emotions. This can be especially detrimental to the development of a child’s ability to process their emotions since no attention is given to what they are facing. This is why security is so important.

  • When a child is secure and comfortable, knowing the lines of communication are undoubtedly and indefinitely open between themselves and their parents, they are much more likely to express what is on their mind. I’ve noticed over the years that some parents become uncomfortable when their children reflect their negative emotions in their behavior and they tend to suppress those behaviors without dealing with the emotions behind them. This is absolutely the worst thing you can do to your child’s emotional development. Never minimize what your child feels. Conditioning them to ignore their own feelings will eventually result in feelings of emotional detachment and as they mature, they will become unable to make true emotional connections.

2.    Try to find an effective means of discussing problems with your child, and learn to be empathetic. You may not fully agree with them or understand why they feel a certain way, but you should still validate their feelings and let them know that you would like to help them work through their anger.

  • Be patient! Consistence is the age-old rule to dealing with a number of childhood issues. It is the most important aspect of parenting – from discipline to training, and especially when helping them process their anger! Be patient with them, and whatever methods you find to work for your child, stick to them.
  • Pay attention! The worst thing you can do to a child is devalue them in their time of need. Your undivided attention is an invaluable asset to you in assisting your child in developing an appropriate mechanism for coping with their anger. Most importantly, knowing that they can count on you for support in the minute they require it is going to significantly decrease their frustration.

3.    Don’t force them to articulate their feelings. Some children find it difficult to put into words what they are feeling. When you pressure them to find a way to make you understand, you add to their feelings of inadequacy when they fail to reach this expectation. Encourage them to talk to you – let them know you are there when they are ready, but give them the authority over when it’s time to say, “Ok, I’m ready to talk.”

4.    Help them figure out what is mostly triggering their anger as well as simple ways to create emotional self-diversion. Is there something in particular that causes your child to feel angry? Can your child possibly identify other emotions that lead up to their anger creeping up?

  • Would it be possible for your child to keep a small notepad to write down specific situations that caused them to become angry and/or details about other feelings they had prior to anger? Often loneliness, embarrassment, frustration, feelings of inadequacy or insecurity are among the multitude of underlying issues that could lead to uncontrollable anger.

5.    DO NOT allow a child to dictate how things operate in your home. Often, when a child realizes their parents are concerned about them, they will use the situation to manipulate household rules and play on the heartstrings of their parents – often even turning one against the other – in order to get their way. No matter how difficult it may be, you should maintain consistency in responsibility, standards, and discipline. Likewise, your reaction to their angry behavior – even as it escalates – should be consistently calm. If you lose your cool, you set a poor example of self-control and further damage their ability to make sense of their own response to their emotions.
Above all, learn your child! Be sensitive to the cues you receive from their subtle statements and behaviors. You are their best advocate… and their strongest hope for learning to process their anger and other potentially unhealthy emotions. PARENTS make the biggest difference in the lives of their children. Helping them develop healthy habits now will make the roller coaster ride of adolescence a little bit less confusing – for them, anyway! :)

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